RagingRev

as posted on:?http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?showtopic=24987

Hello,

nice site you guys have running here, I found it through Facebook—I hope I can use this as a place to be comforted when I need it, because this process has been mentally and emotionally challenging, as well as a place to perhaps sharpen my teeth when it comes to debate or de-evangelism. (not sure how that is viewed but i will explain as we go)

i sincerely apologize for the incoherence here.

Short informational intro:

I am 22 years old, male, and from the heartland of the Bible belt (yippee!)—Georgia, small town about an hour and a half below Macon, 3 hours South of Atlanta. I have held membership at many churches since I was very young, probably 6 or so, when I was “saved” in a Pentecostal Church of God church.—I “fell away” or backslid-what have you, for a few years until i was about 12 years old, i found a little Southern Baptist church and got involved, and starting studying the Bible alot. I was definitely the most well read of the youth at the time, and very quickly surpassed the pastor as far as biblical understanding (I’m not bragging, he was a nice guy, but not well educated as far as that goes)

The longer stuff:

after a couple of years at the little Southern Baptist church the deacons decided that the pastor was not right for the church, mostly because he had become a bit of a pentecostal Word of Faith-er (if your not familiar with this just check out Benny Hinn and Creflo Dollar—indeed the worst of the worst)….I loved my humble pastor and followed him into a new church…there from day one we built a church in an old DEFACS building called Holy Ground Outreach. I assisted the music director, helped alot with the youth group and led most of the youth group sessions, I also assisted in baptisms and was one of the “catchers” when someone was “slain in the spirit” (a pentecostal term…think falling down due to being overwhelmed by the “holy ghost”) . At 16 I was generally at the alter laying hands on people whilst they fell out…in other words i was “anointed”. I was ordained at 15. My ministry was separate from my church…it dealt with the occult in large, as well as apologetics against Atheism, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, etc…I studied tons of “cults” and alternative religions in order to bring people into the fold. In the years between 12 and 19 (roughly) i probably led around 500 people to “salvation through christ”—I was very outspoken in school (public school) and enjoyed debating with my teachers (even though in south GA not many opinions stray from the norm). I was actually the radical all those years, instead of hating homosexuals and such, i believed in loving them, even though i thought of the act as not necessarily good…its sad that i was the most open minded religious person i knew, because i still believe i was a bit of a zealot. As it stands, I hate who I was, when I see people whom are the way I was, I feel a disdain for them.

I was an exorcist primarily…this is a long and very hard to explain story, because I dont have the answers anymore.

Straws, back breakage, and such:

I always remember seeing biblical passages with “difficulties”. At one point i was sure that the Bible in its original languages was certainly Inerrant, but no English translation could suffice…i used a Strong’s Concordance a lot to help justify that, occasionally if failed miserably. I was also a big fan of the Finnis J. Dake Bible/Commentary…I still think it has some fairly strange and progressive views. Anywhoo—i think it was the ever present question of Hell that actually broke my theological back…how could a loving God create mankind with such flaws as to require hell as a recompense for those flaws, provide only one way out of that, and then provide absolutely no evidence to help us believe it. Billions of people are in hell with this type of theology…so i sorta kinda, for a very short time, embraced a universal approach to god, god will save us all IF indeed he is loving. I think that was finally overcome by the thought that if god were so great and powerful then he would have certainly provided a means to the conclusion that he is great and powerful, god couldnt even create a book that was perfect much less prove himself to us.

I was out of the church for a good 2 years before i came to this conclusion, i left the Holy Ground Outreach church due to problems i saw in the Word of Faith, name it claim it doctrine—i saw it as selfish and so i left and never really could find a church i was comfortable with. I think that made this process somewhat less difficult…i didn’t have to be met with challenges from my once prevalent church family or risk being shunned because i was falling to the wayside like this. So that much i can say was probably easier….however this whole process…of leaving and denouncing the thing that defines your life…has been incredibly difficult. I have spent many nights crying out to a god that i can now say simply isn’t there, looking for answers that never came.The hardest thing was admitting that all of my “holy spirit” moments in life, and the anointing i thought i had, were simply emotional controls that i had over myself and others. I spent 6 years as an exorcist, and now i believe the conclusion is that emotion is the main factor in this as well.

The hardest things:

The hardest moments of this process that i can remember:

1: a friend of mine was going through a lot of pain and had alot of spiritual questions, he knew that i was a minister and generally was able to answer these questions at one point…i had to tell him that i didnt know any more, that i was out of answers and i didnt understand all this crap anymore…that was hard to admit…he turned out ok…but it was difficult to have to say , i dont know, when i always had some sort of answer before.

2: talking to my ex-pastor about this…and him bringing up really bad analogies for why christ was real (ie: he was the only man to ever split time in two…BC and AD…yes stupid i know). I just didnt have the heart to explain all this to him…to break his whole world down like mine had been broken.

3:i had to tell a few of the people i had brought into the fold about all this…it hurt them alot and it hurt me to see them hurt so badly by it.

4: that moment…where it just all falls apart, i guess this probably happens with all of us that leave the fold…it just happens in an instant , or it did for me, and i said to myself ,”its all a lie”.

5: talking to my wife, whom suprised me that she had kinda reached alot of the same conclusions that i had…we dated for 8 years before we married, we were virgins when we were married and made vows that we took very seriously before god and men…she knew me as the bold minister and the grave doubter…thankfully she understands…

other stuff

I also post on www.religiousforums.com, www.bleedzao.com, used to post on www.unworthyunwritten.com also…

more later