Sudden Uncontrollable Fits of Jesus

Has anyone else out there ever noticed that when someone you previously had no clue was  “religious” finds out that you are an atheist – that they suddenly have this uncontrollable  internal revival?

I’ve had one of these rather entertaining experiences recently, while sitting at my desk at a location I dare not mention I overheard two gentlemen talking about  women, particularly the naked kind.   As one of these gentlemen walked past the desk I was at he noticed the book I was reading – The Blind Watchmaker by Richard Dawkins. He asked me about it and I explained that it was about evolution and explained the premise of the book….

Instantaneously it’s as if all this mans years of church going culminated in this one moment as he asked, “You think we came from monkeys?  So god didn’t create you and me?”

I said, “Apes actually – and I don’t believe in god.”

The other gentlemen then exclaimed, “if we came from apes how come there are still apes?”

I facepalm, literally, then ask, “if we came from Europeans why are there still Europeans?”

“That’s just stupid”


The first gentleman continues to witness to me, while just moments ago was ogling over a half naked girl.  I  found it hilarious just how quickly he became an authoritative representative of the Christian faith the moment he figured out that I didn’t believe what he did and felt the need to share that faith with me.

Being the Atheist in the room, sometimes, is like having this giant target on your back – we can turn a lackluster, backslidden Christian into an instant Evangelist in mere moments…churches really should start putting us on the payroll.  More often than not, I find that the truly devoted Christians don’t have this instantaneous transformation when they recognize my lack of faith – it’s only those that seem to have something to prove or a penance to pay (and a bare minimal of Biblical understanding).  That’s when I usually pull out my old Bible, so that I can tell them the things it actually says.


*For the record, I was ogling the hot chick too (some model)…  I just didn’t try to convert anyone seconds later.  😉

  • The LARD is so AWESOME! He magically used you to magically prompt the inner spooks of those backslidden believers, stoking the fire of JESUS in them! Glory!

    • Yeah, I was actually going to suggest something like that . . . I might be more inclined to believe it than it sounds like brotherjeff is, but probably only if I knew they had some kind of sense of conviction of their previously objectifying-of-women discussions. Heh.

      • To be an enemy of the Church I'm incredibly similar to some of the pastors I know and respect. The Church frustrates me as much now as it did when I was in the ministry and for all the same reasons more or less.

        Thanks for commenting Jenn.

        • Yeah–you kind of remind me of some of my better friends–both Christian and not. The Church is dang (tofu swear) frustrating, and I am currently going through some of its more excruciatingly frustrating aspects. I wouldn't call myself an "enemy" of it at this point, but I can see why some folks are.

          Thanks for responding.

  • Mike aka MonolithTMA

    I have a Facebook friend like that. He's a very nice guy, but clearly he's friends with a million porn stars on Facebook, some of whom I've reported for tagging him, so they show up on his friends walls with their TOS violating pics.

    One day I posted the Ghostbusters line "Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say 'YES'!"

    He replied with "Their are Lords Many & Gods Many it said in scripture. Yes to some point we are small gods with out godly power. BUT Their is only one true GOD."

    I then had to explain that it was a quote.


  • ellocotheinsane

    "Their are Lords Many & Gods Many…" … there's also Lords Tracy 🙂

  • Do ya live in the South or something. Keep up the awesome work…the ogling work that is. Awesome buddy.


  • Eamonn P Keyes

    Entertaining as usual…….:-) Keep it coming.

  • sbj1964

    Great Post ! Christians are very entertaining ! Like watching a Monkey Shit fight at the Zoo !

  • Great observation, and it would be hard to imagine a better title for the post. Love it!

  • Cat

    Thanks for the Europeans thing. I could never think of such a simple way to say it. My answer is always, "Why SHOULDN'T there be apes?" because they just don't understand evolution. But this is a great way to illustrate it.

    • Matt

      I wish it were my own to claim, I’m sure I’ve heard it elsewhere before.