Dorman Christian Part 2: Guy strikes again

in Ask Rev, Debates/Conversations, Religion and Spirituality by Matt on February 16th, 2009

As promised, I am going to attempt to respond to Guy from Heresy Today ’s egregiously long response to my “Dormant Christian” post. So after much hesitation, mainly due to the fact that because of the schedule I am on at my job is screwing with my head (No one else is seeing the pink elephants?) and making it incredibly difficult for me to even sit down and read a comment very well, much less respond to it coherently.  So I will do my best here…at 4:30 in the morning.

Regarding the podcast mentioned below, I am listening to that finally now as I write this, I may make responses to bits and pieces of it here, but we might have to save it for later…another debate perhaps. Guy really should consider manuscripting his podcasts! 72 minutes!

Keep reading for more:

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Vipers, Snakes, and Actors

in Music, Religion and Spirituality by Matt on October 21st, 2008

One of my many holdups from my former faith, is that I still really like alot of the old Christian bands I used to listen to. Underoath, Norma Jean, Demon Hunter (cheezy I know), Living Sacrifice, and mewithoutYou—the list goes on and on. These bands always spoke to me, most of them have a lyrical content that shows frustration with the Church, like I always did and speaks to the hardships of attempting to live a lifestyle that is pleasing to God. One such band is Norma Jean, and they just put out a new album titled Vs. The Anti-Mother.
I just wanted to share with you some of the lyrics from one of the songs on the Anti-Mother, that I feel can speak volumes. The song is titled Vipers, Snakes, and Actors:


Carry your flags, march into that fictional cause and show off that medal
Just don’t reach for that gun
Reach for that gun
Carry that banner, build that heart out of stone
Just don’t reach for that gun
You scaled the high horse and I felt the change
I know the difference between you and me
You cleaned the outside of your chalice but it’s filled with robbery
And self indulgence…Just like the rest of us
You wear that cross like a crown. You wear that cross like a dagger
Come down from that tower,
Nothing will be the outcome.
Nothing is the outcome

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What if I am wrong about all of this?

in Debates/Conversations, Regarding me, Religion and Spirituality by Matt on October 19th, 2008
Pick a door

Pick a door

A person I recently met through the Christian Bloggers Unite blog named Lisa recently posited the question to me thusly:

Then my only other question would be: What if you are wrong? Surely that thought lives somewhere in the depths of your heart? And if you are, do you really want the blood of those whose ‘exits’ you have encouraged on your hands? Again, no condemnation. Just an honest question.

I told Lisa I was working on doing a blog about that subject, and here I am, doing just that (I’m such an honest guy, I know).

Now this is a question I often asked whilst debating Atheists while I was a devoted apologist, I spent countless hours in conversation with people from different faiths and Non-theists were those that I remember asking this question the most, I guess it is a question that could apply to any religious circle, but no religious circle understands that it is something also applicable to their own constituency. IE: The Muslim could just as easily ask this question of a Christian as a Christian could a Muslim…that’s one of the things about reward vs. punishment religion; of the thousands of them, according to themselves, only one could possibly be right. Still, despite this nearly universal paradox, this question is asked to any infidel of any belief system thousands of times a day (i would guess).

So, what if I am wrong?

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Ray Comfort Vs The Evile Atheists

in Debates/Conversations, Dumb People, Religion and Spirituality by Matt on October 6th, 2008

This man might be stupid!

This man might be stupid!

So the other day I was looking through blogs, dropping my Entrecard on different blogs. I tend to go for the religious/Christian blogs as much as I can, to get the whole Christian crowd to come here as much as possible…

So I stumble upon The Powerhouse Ministry Blog and This Entry in particular. Evidently some dude named Ray Comfort (from Way of The Master Ministries) has some irrefutable evidence for the atheist…it starts with 10 Suggestions for the Novice Atheist, and ends with…The Atheist Test…yes, you heard it here first kids…the Atheist test.

This is my attempt at dismantling this poor mans ridiculous arguments. My own text will be Bolded, his will be normal type: Enjoy

Ten Suggestions for the Novice Atheist

  1. Whenever you are presented with credible evidence for God’s existence, call it a “straw man argument,” or “circular reasoning.” If something is quoted from somewhere, label it “quote mining.”

No one has ever presented any credible evidence for god’s existence yet…at least to me…if you can I invite you to do so though! Straw man arguments wouldn’t really fit there, straw men are used to burn down a persons character-its really an audience/judge ploy against the opponent—not an actual real life argument. Circular reasoning will be called what it is…And who in the hell is unhappy about quotes?

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Re: Bondservant of Christ-Why?

in Debates/Conversations, Regarding me, Religion and Spirituality by Matt on October 1st, 2008

My last post has garnered alot of attention, relatively anyway…and i am finding that the method by which replies are sorted doesnt quite suit my normal methods of interaction..so i am going to post all of the replies i have recieved here and answer them…because the responses i have recieved have been good responses and i am very thankful to have them.

I am going to go in order of receipt of first comment and keep any replies in the same loop—if anyone knows a better way to do this, i am very much open to suggestions. So, lets start with my friend Ron:

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Getting better

in My Projects, Regarding me, Technology by Matt on August 29th, 2008

so the other day i posted my stat counter….got 30 hits in less than 2 minutes…i have had alot more traffic lately…but i do have to Halve the total i thought i had…the other stat code is still on the front page….i didnt realize that…hehe

things at work have gotten better this week…lets just say i am glad to be able to rest a bit.

I am becoming more comfortable every day with not having god as a crutch…and i am still working on the rebuttals to the people that have responded to me…i should be able to get a couple out this weekend

Alienware is a pain in the ass with their BIOS and Upgrade policies…if a company doesnt trust you to put in a bluray drive…they might just be halfwits. Its really shitty when they have to have a specific bios for a widely available mobo just because it is in their system…with no possibility of an override without consulting the company first.

oh…www.travian.us and www.travian.com…awesome…im on the new speed server if you like

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re: Extimony

in Regarding me, Religion and Spirituality, Uncategorized by Matt on August 23rd, 2008

My extimony post (two posts back), if you don’t know, is not meant as an argument… this is just an explanation of a part of the emotional process that i have gone through, throughout this journal in the future the different fallacies of god belief and religion will be handled…the Extimony is just like a coming out party and a way for me to get all these things off my chest…that i haven’t talked to anyone about. Surely you folks dont think this has been an entirely emotional thing?

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A convo i had with a Christian…it turned into a bit of a debate.

in Regarding me, Religion and Spirituality by Matt on August 21st, 2008


This conversation occurred on facebook, with Kyle’s permission I have copied and pasted it directly as written, leaving off the part where I ask for his permission at the very end of the conversation. Kyle has asked that I not bash him and I also ask that of anyone reads this, he seems to be open to conversation though so I am sure you can contact him thru the comments section here. (I wish you would keep it on this blog though).

And just so you know, Kyle is a good guy, he is nice, his faith is strong, but I have never seen any hypocritical behavior come out of his life…the type of Christian, if one is going to be a Christian, that one should strive to be. Even though I don’t know Kyle very well I have always had a lot of respect for his positive attitude toward life, often in contrast for my often cynical attitude.

The conversation started by asking Kyle if it was ok if I joined his facebook group called “The FoUND project” since I had received an invite from him, I simply asked that if I did join if he would mind if I played the devils advocate a bit, respectfully.

My text is the white text

Kyles text will be this color

Thanks for reading.

Kyle Roland

July 21 at 7:33pm

hey bro,

Thanks for asking, I would rather you not play devil’s advocate in this group.

How’ve you been doing?

Matt Oxley

July 21 at 7:34pm

quite well Kyle, I expect you are doing well?

and not a problem, just wanted to make sure it was ok if I did.

If you ever need one, let me know

Kyle Roland

July 21 at 7:35pm

I’m doing quite well, too, my friend. Just staying busy as usual!

if you were to play devil’s advocate, what would say?

Matt Oxley

July 21 at 7:36pm

I just like to ask questions Kyle… the most important thing we can ever do to strengthen our faith is to ask questions. God can handle tough questions right?

Kyle Roland

July 21 at 7:39pm

I agree with that. If you know that God can handle tough questions, are you atheist?

Matt Oxley

July 21 at 7:41pm

I am appealing to your beliefs, your terms…not mine…I am an atheist…although it is new to me

Kyle Roland

July 21 at 7:42pm

I see, I see. What led you to atheism?

Matt Oxley

July 21 at 7:46pm

i will answer with a question…

if my soul depends on it…shouldn’t god provide evidence for himself? because i do. The burden of proof lies on god, as the almighty and creator of all things he should be required to provide definite answers to any questions that might lead to any doubt in him.

do you agree?

This is one of the questions that led me here.

Kyle Roland

July 21 at 7:52pm

Good question.

Who are we to demand anything from God?…Even if we were to pose every single question before God..who are we that he should give an answer? Who are we, as mere humans..mere mortals..to demand a single ounce of attention from God?

As far as God providing evidence for himself..show me that the doesn’t exist..

Matt Oxley

July 21 at 7:59pm

we are his beloved creation are we not? If thats not a position of importance i dont know what is….If god allows me to doubt, as the originator and creator of all things, including sin (you MUST admit this) and doesn’t answer those doubts then i have to seriously reconsider how beloved I must be, and how much Love god actually has.. there are roughly 2.5 Billion christians in the world right now…4 billion of us have some sort of doubt or reason not to believe, God should love us enough to help us not doubt.

regarding evidence, the burden, again, lies on the more absurd claim, if science well explains our current reality, alternative explanations need evidence, not things already proven. Either way the you cant prove god exists and you cant prove he doesnt argument becomes circular…FAST

BTW, i approach this with all due respect.

Kyle Roland

July 21 at 8:22pm

sorry man, my internet is messing up..had to change computers.

I too approach with all due respect.

Yes, we are his beloved creation. If there were no doubt and we had all the answers..would we need God? If we had all the answers, we wouldn’t need Him. But that’s not reality. The reality is that we don’t know anything (compared to God)..thus, we have doubts. Over and over in the Bible, God says that if we seek Him, He will be found. Examples include: Deuteronomy 4:29 and Acts 17:26-28 and Hebrews 11:6. Look them up.

Tell me, back in high school..why did you believe in God?

Matt Oxley

July 21 at 8:26pm

in high school i needed god…i was unaware of the things i am now aware of.

perhaps you just answered your question..or my question…what have you…perhaps we dont need god?

Kyle Roland

July 21 at 8:53pm

Seems to me that…from you saying that you needed God in high school, but dont’ need him now..it makes me wonder if you even knew Him back them..if you even understood God’s grace and Jesus’ sacrifice back then. Sounds like you didn’t.

We need God. We all have been created with an innate awarenes and need for God. What other hope do you have? Yourself?

Loading…

Matt Oxley

July 21 at 9:23pm

the question of whether or not i knew god then is…well its a tough one…because there is no way for me to convey the sense of relationship i had with God/Christ…i considered it a very intimate relationship with god…its when i came to the realization of how much emotions play on you when it comes to god belief that helped me let go of that experiential part…which is why so many people find it hard to leave their faith…because like you and I they have experienced god in a way that seems very real…like i said though, there is no way for me to convey that to you or to convince you that i was truly “saved” or that i knew god.

With your assertion that we NEED god, i agree, it has been bred into us to require something to give a generic answer to all of life’s truly difficult question…where did we come from?, what happens after we die?…this is where religion came from…all religion came from a desire to explain things that were beyond comprehension…as science has progressed to explain the more difficult questions, like where did we come from, belief in the myths regarding that question (ie creationism..or god forbid, intelligent design…or even the myths that the root religions had) become outdated and slowly are rejected by realistic society. The point of contention is that we were created that way, i dont see that, i see that thinking man needs to know answers to his questions, if he cant answer it he makes something up…

Regarding hope…what do i need hope for? Hope for what?

Kyle Roland

July 22 at 8:14pm

You mention religion. Yes, Christianity is a religion, but it goes beyond that to something more..it is not about religion, per se..it is about a relationship with the one and true living God. This is evident in the fact that many church-goers believe that having religion is all they need. And you must admit that that is not true. A person can have all the religion they can handle, yet still die and go to Hell. It’s about a relationship with Christ.

If each man makes up his own “answers,” who determines what is ultimately right? If there were no God and you believe that we all have the right and freedom to make up and believe what we want..why believe in anything in the first place? What would be the point?

To make yourself feel complete? To make yourself feel like you have something worth living for? Ultimately, when you die, the world is just going to brush you under the rug and that’s it.

So, if you don’t believe there is Heaven or Hell, why strive to make up and believe in anything today? Again, to make yourself feel complete or like you have something worth living for? What would be the point? From asking yourself these questions, I hope you’ll see that there is a void in your life that only God can fill. He is the only solution to our disease of sin.

As for me, I know that I don’t have to make up anything to believe in..because Jesus is the only way, truth and the life.

Also, you said “god forbid….” :-)

I respect the fact that you are being conversational in this email and since you are respectful in this discussion, go ahead and join the group.

Matt Oxley

July 22 at 9:05pm

You notice Kyle that I also mentioned the relationship…I knew you were going to this place…and like I already said, there is no way possible for me to convey to you that i was 1:truly a Christian, 2: Completely and entirely devoted to the Christ which i lived for, 3: Deeply involved in intimate communion with God…I can say this all day long but i simply can not convey it, its like you trying to explain how you feel about your relationship…you can talk about the friendship you feel with god and the companionship…but you cant really convey that deep sense of comfort and closeness at any point…I have been on the other side talking with atheists as a Christian about this same subject many times, it just is not possible to convey it.

God is also not necessary for morality to exist…Einstein, Dawkins, Twain, Hawkings …great men that did not need god yet they were as moral if not more than many of the most prominent leaders of the Christian world. What all of these important Atheist or Deist figures hold in common is that they hold to a very high regard human life and and a desire to improve our knowledge of the universe and one another. I conclude that this is morality, to care about the society you are in as well as the world at large…you agree and i know this. God has had little to do with the laws that have shaped our society, Christians like to lay the claim that the bible is the foundation for modern lawgiving, but it simply isn’t true (Hammurabi, Grecian and Roman law for instance predate biblical lawgiving outside of Judaism) God simply is not neccessary for morality, in fact, it is by and large the religious world that produces the greatest evils–I don’t need to provide examples for that fact I am sure. Society can define right and wrong without the eye in the sky, it is very simple.

Believing in Heaven and Hell—Eureka! The catalyst for belief in deity for 99.999999% of mankind…FEAR. You FEAR life without God, because according to the bible and nearly every other religious text the world over, non devotion or adherence leads to fear…Christianity isn’t the first religion to come up with this, its a working copy of a working system, that has been working for eons…Scary place, easy–unprovable solution…its the way it is done. I don’t need to work for heaven or have hope for it, I can live for here and now, I can live to serve my fellow man…with no fear of my afterlife and no hope for it either..why work for things you can’t see?

Jesus…well I will let the evidence speak for itself about Jesus.
Here is a great cross-referenced resource for understanding where most of our Jesus mythology comes from…This is just scratching the surface about how many times the Christ archetype has been used by the religious elite to promote belief.

http://www.pocm.info/

Regarding “god forbid”….my writing style is very intentional…if i capitalize something, leave out a letter, what have you, it was done entirely intentionally…this is one example and was meant in jest…few people pick up on the nuances of my writing style, and it is usually only meant for my own entertainment or reference anyway.

If the invite still stands I will join the group and make it known that I am LoST.

Matt

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Ex-Timony

in Regarding me, Religion and Spirituality by Matt on August 21st, 2008

So like I said, I really want to write all this down, its just that my emotions are…crazy right now…it happens to me about every 6 months or so I just have a few days or a few weeks where I feel like I cant function and I don’t enjoy anything…I am sure it will pass but it’s a little disturbing the whole time it goes on.

One thing that is rather overwhelming is that I have been through some pretty radical changes in the last couple of years…putting those changes and the emotions that accompany them is really difficult, because the rate at which my mind is having to process all this is insane…and trying to find the time to put those thoughts down is even more difficult. So , this is one more, likely feeble attempt at an essential extimony, as a remnant of my faith I guess I still have the innate need to share my experience and understanding…and even promote it for others…evangelical atheism-as odd as that sounds…I have been told by other atheists that the desire to deconvert others passes with time, I hope that is true, because I feel so weird undoing a lot of what I have already done…bringing people out of the faith I once had and actively brought others into.. I guess it is like making amends to humanity for the evil I did bringing people into a faith that I now see as a crock and a fallacy. My whole goal in my religious life seems to be centered on helping other people question this faith….because if you are a Christian already no one can tell you nor prove to you that your faith is in vain, you have to come to the realization of your own volition, but I feel that my goal is to just make the questions come up that you must ask in order to relieve yourself of your dependence on deity. Not everyone will or is capable of shedding the skin of religion and renouncing god, which is why so many do not…religion holds people that way, it is powerful in that way because the emotions connected with religion and Christianity in particular are incredibly strong, especially for the devoted follower.

Christianity, in the orthodox consideration, is build upon doctrines that require strong emotional relation to the doctrines: Jesus Loves You evokes the emotion of love and gratefulness for having a deity care for you. The thought of Hell invokes an insane amount of fear, as it did for me when I was younger and unsure of my “salvation”. The stories in the Bible either focus on g-ds wrath, g-ds greatness, g-ds sovereign nature, or g-ds providence…in some way almost all of the time….alot of the stories, the book of Job in particular, really make g-d look like a huge asshole if you think about it more critically…I used to think Job was a beautiful story by the way.

When anything has such strong ties to ones emotions it is hard to override that, fear and love are very hard to deny oneself. Emotions, even when based on superstition and fallacy become reality, because you can physically feel fear and love, I know I have multiple times been overwhelmed by the love of god, feeling the embrace of the divine. How does one experience that and then months or years later break free from the illusion that it is?

Religious ferver, or as some would have me say since, “Christianity is a relationship not a religion” therefore Christianity or Relationship with God is very much an emotional state, not a reality. I believe now that the emotions I felt, the things I saw (up to and including miracles and participating in exorcisms on extremely numerous occasions) were all results of my emotional status.

Thusly we begin our story: (dates and times are really fuzzy, its all kind of a blur but I am telling this to the best of my memory without stretching anything, if I say something happened in 2005…it could have happened in 2003…I cant keep years straight to save my life.

It must have been the winter of 2004 when I left Holy Ground Outreach…a church I loved very much and was very active in, I was probably at the church at least

3-4 times a week, doing church services, participating in youth, helping my mentor at the time, and we also prayed there on certain nights. It was a comparatively good church as far as that goes, they had a food ministry, and they went to the ghetto’s and places to give away free food and such…things that bigger churches rarely do for some reason…they did…worship services were active and somewhat charismatic. It did have the flaw of being very involved in the Word of Faith movement…which, even though I was big into it at one time, became a bit of an issue with me after a little while, I realized that prosperity was not the god I believed in from my understanding of the Bible…so Monica and I, we went together, discussed it, and we decided to just leave. It was near Christmas time…that was hard enough, but it was the only way we knew, we didn’t tell anybody, we just stopped showing up. At that point I decided to read the Bible, like I had done many times before, and seek God, to find out what was the ultimate Truth.. I pretty much didn’t talk to my wife actively about this from then until just about 6 or so months ago….

During those few years, I was still sure of God and Christ for a very long time, as a person whom had done a lot of study in apologetics I knew a lot of the Bible “difficulties” and could defend it pretty well…but what I decided whilst on this journey, was that I had to completely and totally take my own emotion out of it…which is what I spent the bulk of my time doing…just deciding not to allow the emotional self, which is what I now know as the easily duped self, get in the way of God and my understanding….I wanted my relationship with God to be entirely pure and unadulterated…I stopped praying for myself, I refused to pray for anything other than “Gods will”…I don’t remember the series of events after that, but there came a time, about a year ago…when I questioned hell, and the bible…

I am not going to point out specific areas in which the Bible contradicts itself…the only people that wont see that are fundamentalists and people that will continually lie to themselves…just know that at some point I had to make that admittance…The Skeptics Annotated Bible is a great resource if you are curious to know though (http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com) . If it doesn’t quash any idea that the bible is the perfect word of god then you aren’t reading it…but that is beside the point. The greatest conflict in that line of thought , for me, was regarding the sovereignty and kindness of god…is god benevolent?

Here was my approach, and still is; Assuming God exists and is the creator of all things…then 1: God must have created evil, simple yes, but none the less conflicting as to the contention that “God is love” 2: God tempted man in the garden by proxy by having created Lucifer and via permission (as was required in

Job) 3: God created Hell 4: God created the nature of man to be fallen and 5:

God by creating man in such a way that he thinks logically and processes information the way we do knew that eventually science would come in to play to cast doubt upon his existence, not to mention the fact that god has allowed thousands upon thousands of unique and salvation (in some way) providing religions most of which claim to be the sole connection with god…by allowing that god proves that he is cynical and cruel and NOT loving, and thereby a contradiction in his own terms…any terms that contradict, mathematically, are null and zero…and thereby the only logical conclusion my mind is capable of coming to is that god does not exist.

This is the realization I came to…I don’t remember the day, it really took months to say out loud and to come to the conclusion in a definitive way. Whilst doing this it was as if both my Father and my Best friend were dying slow and painful deaths. I cried a lot for these months in my quiet drives to work in the morning, a lot of the time I put on some MewithoutYou to see if I could still feel him and commune like I remember.. It was devastating. I hid it pretty well I think…but it was both the darkest and most enlightening time in my life…only recently, within the last few months, have I come to terms with a dead god. I stopped feeling god in me and around me

The aftermath is deciding, that since there is no reason to believe in heaven, hell, or any proof of an afterlife…what does one live for…I have made the decision to live for myself, my wife, and for humanity over all. I feel that I can serve mankind much better without being tied to a deity of any kind, my old god was a jealous god full of wrath, my new god is my own ability and engineering, my old god refused to change, I change readily when it is necessary. I think I am doing a much better job than he ever did.

Overall, despite the last couple of days and the depression that hit, I can say that this writing has taken a load off of my chest…I hope to be able to keep it up and use this LJ account as a way to express my thoughts and connect with other people that are going through similar things. I also welcome anyone that is willing or able to present your ideas, from any religion or background…including Christians. I am very open to a kind debate of myself vs. believers at any time.

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a short extimony: had to close this, nerves and bad writing inside…join LJ and friend me if u want

in Regarding me, Religion and Spirituality, Uncategorized by Matt on July 11th, 2008

as posted on:?http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?showtopic=24987

Hello,

nice site you guys have running here, I found it through Facebook—I hope I can use this as a place to be comforted when I need it, because this process has been mentally and emotionally challenging, as well as a place to perhaps sharpen my teeth when it comes to debate or de-evangelism. (not sure how that is viewed but i will explain as we go)

i sincerely apologize for the incoherence here.

Short informational intro:

I am 22 years old, male, and from the heartland of the Bible belt (yippee!)—Georgia, small town about an hour and a half below Macon, 3 hours South of Atlanta. I have held membership at many churches since I was very young, probably 6 or so, when I was “saved” in a Pentecostal Church of God church.—I “fell away” or backslid-what have you, for a few years until i was about 12 years old, i found a little Southern Baptist church and got involved, and starting studying the Bible alot. I was definitely the most well read of the youth at the time, and very quickly surpassed the pastor as far as biblical understanding (I’m not bragging, he was a nice guy, but not well educated as far as that goes)

The longer stuff:

after a couple of years at the little Southern Baptist church the deacons decided that the pastor was not right for the church, mostly because he had become a bit of a pentecostal Word of Faith-er (if your not familiar with this just check out Benny Hinn and Creflo Dollar—indeed the worst of the worst)….I loved my humble pastor and followed him into a new church…there from day one we built a church in an old DEFACS building called Holy Ground Outreach. I assisted the music director, helped alot with the youth group and led most of the youth group sessions, I also assisted in baptisms and was one of the “catchers” when someone was “slain in the spirit” (a pentecostal term…think falling down due to being overwhelmed by the “holy ghost”) . At 16 I was generally at the alter laying hands on people whilst they fell out…in other words i was “anointed”. I was ordained at 15. My ministry was separate from my church…it dealt with the occult in large, as well as apologetics against Atheism, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, etc…I studied tons of “cults” and alternative religions in order to bring people into the fold. In the years between 12 and 19 (roughly) i probably led around 500 people to “salvation through christ”—I was very outspoken in school (public school) and enjoyed debating with my teachers (even though in south GA not many opinions stray from the norm). I was actually the radical all those years, instead of hating homosexuals and such, i believed in loving them, even though i thought of the act as not necessarily good…its sad that i was the most open minded religious person i knew, because i still believe i was a bit of a zealot. As it stands, I hate who I was, when I see people whom are the way I was, I feel a disdain for them.

I was an exorcist primarily…this is a long and very hard to explain story, because I dont have the answers anymore.


Straws, back breakage, and such:

I always remember seeing biblical passages with “difficulties”. At one point i was sure that the Bible in its original languages was certainly Inerrant, but no English translation could suffice…i used a Strong’s Concordance a lot to help justify that, occasionally if failed miserably. I was also a big fan of the Finnis J. Dake Bible/Commentary…I still think it has some fairly strange and progressive views. Anywhoo—i think it was the ever present question of Hell that actually broke my theological back…how could a loving God create mankind with such flaws as to require hell as a recompense for those flaws, provide only one way out of that, and then provide absolutely no evidence to help us believe it. Billions of people are in hell with this type of theology…so i sorta kinda, for a very short time, embraced a universal approach to god, god will save us all IF indeed he is loving. I think that was finally overcome by the thought that if god were so great and powerful then he would have certainly provided a means to the conclusion that he is great and powerful, god couldnt even create a book that was perfect much less prove himself to us.

I was out of the church for a good 2 years before i came to this conclusion, i left the Holy Ground Outreach church due to problems i saw in the Word of Faith, name it claim it doctrine—i saw it as selfish and so i left and never really could find a church i was comfortable with. I think that made this process somewhat less difficult…i didn’t have to be met with challenges from my once prevalent church family or risk being shunned because i was falling to the wayside like this. So that much i can say was probably easier….however this whole process…of leaving and denouncing the thing that defines your life…has been incredibly difficult. I have spent many nights crying out to a god that i can now say simply isn’t there, looking for answers that never came.The hardest thing was admitting that all of my “holy spirit” moments in life, and the anointing i thought i had, were simply emotional controls that i had over myself and others. I spent 6 years as an exorcist, and now i believe the conclusion is that emotion is the main factor in this as well.

The hardest things:

The hardest moments of this process that i can remember:

1: a friend of mine was going through a lot of pain and had alot of spiritual questions, he knew that i was a minister and generally was able to answer these questions at one point…i had to tell him that i didnt know any more, that i was out of answers and i didnt understand all this crap anymore…that was hard to admit…he turned out ok…but it was difficult to have to say , i dont know, when i always had some sort of answer before.

2: talking to my ex-pastor about this…and him bringing up really bad analogies for why christ was real (ie: he was the only man to ever split time in two…BC and AD…yes stupid i know). I just didnt have the heart to explain all this to him…to break his whole world down like mine had been broken.

3:i had to tell a few of the people i had brought into the fold about all this…it hurt them alot and it hurt me to see them hurt so badly by it.

4: that moment…where it just all falls apart, i guess this probably happens with all of us that leave the fold…it just happens in an instant , or it did for me, and i said to myself ,”its all a lie”.

5: talking to my wife, whom suprised me that she had kinda reached alot of the same conclusions that i had…we dated for 8 years before we married, we were virgins when we were married and made vows that we took very seriously before god and men…she knew me as the bold minister and the grave doubter…thankfully she understands…

other stuff

I also post on www.religiousforums.com, www.bleedzao.com, used to post on www.unworthyunwritten.com also…

more later

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